Simon Campbell

Posted at 0940 hours on 15/06/09 | Posted in Life

One of life’s great characters: Ian ‘E’ Kershaw

This guy is a genuine nutcase. I met him at Salford University where we were both ‘studying’ BioChemistry. After one year we were experts in the brewing process and fearful effects of alcohol on the human body…

Once seen, never forgotten; the picture above is not unusual. If there was an Olympic sport for consuming alcohol he would have more medals than Redgrave…

One memorable incident occurred at the Bulls Head in Greenmount. We arrived ready for a few beers but before exiting the car, ‘E’ produced a condom from his top pocket and proceeded to slide it over his head and nose.

This is always funny but as he inflated, I was fearful that the lubricant may soil the headlining of my relatively new SAAB 900 Turbo (I recall being a great car) so I opened the sunroof.

As the pumped up prophylactic expanded, it became visible through the fully opened sunroof to the group of coffin dodgers who were watching our antics from the beer garden. Of course, we were barred – again.

Another incident occurred at his Aunties house in Ramsbottom where she foolishly agreed to host a party for a group of our collective mates. We woke up two days later, concluding the only possible explanation for the loss of these 48 hours was being sucked into a time vortex that resided under the carpet of the third stair up in 27 Stanley Street.

Further alcohol fuelled rumination, established it as the centre of the universe. Forget Stephen Hawking, this is it – fact.

Memories of being out in his home town of Sunderland, drinking superhuman quantities of ‘amber nectar’ (aka Newcastle Exhibition) then coming back and parting with quite a bit of it down the toilet door. Mrs Kershaw Snr. was not amused.

As an aside, do they still brew Exhibition? I know that its all been taken over now by the Europeans and probably tastes like wombat piss. Anyway, on with the commentary.

All this of course sounds like usual student fodder but no, ‘E’ is one of the most genuinely intelligent, articulate and alternative people I have ever met.

Who else would regularly discuss topics such as: the 238 uses of Aardvark excrement, clearing your nasal passages by regularly inhaling a little Oleum (please do not try this at home), wallowing in Alligator saliva and how to avoid contracting Legionnaires disease from public buildings.

I am becoming increasing concerned as he is coming over with his new woman to stay at the beginning of August.

Precautions to date:

• warn Bushy’s Brewery well in advance to prevent an Island wide shortage of bitter
• prepare Nobles Hospital renal unit for incoming
• place advert in the ‘Examiner’ to warn any Aardvark owners to ensure droppings are ‘beyond use’

He is truly one of life’s great characters.

2 comments

1. E on 19/06/09 at 1624 hours

   Simonski,

   Just read this at my hotel in Malta.  Harsh but fair.
   Home town is a you know Ramsbottom, I was residing in Mackem land as my parents moved there - it would be ‘not my first choice’!

   Mrs K still not forgiven you for the flood of Exhibition fueled vomit over her landing!

   Looking forward to coming over - get the oxygen ready!

   Love to Ange & yourself I supose,

   E

   xx

2. Simon on 19/06/09 at 1636 hours

   Oxygen is already to roll…

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